A Tide Upon the Cliffs
by slytherinlovah
Summary: At the end of the day, all that is left is you choices. Decisions were made, and as the war rages on, some begin to question whether they were the right ones. Too many things have been left unsaid, but it's too late now.
1. tides

"The knowledge that she would never be loved in return acted upon her ideas as a tide acts upon cliffs."  
― Thornton Wilder, The Bridge of San Luis Rey

* * *

I can hear Lily yelling for me. She needs me, needs help with Harry. My brain is telling me to get up, to go. But my body remains slack, my back rested against the wall in the garage. If I want to have a drink, I have to hide it from Lily and skulk off into the garage. She hates the stuff and I used too as well. But these are tough times. Eventually, I hear Lily give up her search, trudging up the stairs in defeat. I take a long swig of my clinking glass, thinking that she knows what I'm doing, even though she would never ask. Part of what makes Lily so strong is her ability to deny reality. She is in denial about our marriage, and about Voldemort. It's how she gets through each day without cracking at the seams.

I have never been able to draw the curtain down like that. Soon, the knowledge of what my life has become will break me. I can already feel it setting in. My mind is filled with Voldemort. Filled with terror and sadness and hate and so little hope. Lily, Harry and I are all in hiding. Most of the order are now. And yet, we are still losing more and more people by the day.

And then there's the other thing. Because somewhere, in the deep, dark recesses of my mind is Arya, and she's not going anywhere. Looking back, I realize that mistakes were made. But there are always two sides to a story, and it is far, far too easy to pile all the blame on the shoulders of a cheating, lying husband.

I guess I remember when it all began. Lily had finally agreed to go out with me and I was ecstatic. I vaguely recall Sirius mentioning the 'hot new transfer student' at breakfast that morning, but I was on cloud nine, and it didn't really register, too excited for my date that afternoon. I think that first date with Lily was the most in love with her I have ever felt. I took her to the Quidditch field and flew her around on my broom. I remember her uncertain face when she climbed on in front of me, her surprised squeal when we first lifted off into the air. The way she buried her face into my chest as we rose higher, and how I pressed my nose into her glossy hair and revelled in her floral scent. It was one of the best days of my life, which is sick and twisted in a way because of how it ended. Lily kissed me goodnight, and headed back up to the great hall for dinner. I stayed at the pitch, and I had just finished packing my broom away when I saw _her._

Arya Stone's black hair shone brilliantly in the fading light, trailing behind her as she swooped, spun and wove between the trees on the edge of the Quidditch pitch. I could hear her laughing, a laugh of pure joy and exhilaration. It matched my mood perfectly, and I found myself smiling and then laughing and then before I knew it, I had grabbed my broom and begun to speed towards the happy stranger. Coming out of a backward flip, she saw me. I vividly recall believing that my heart may have actually stopped at that moment, when I registered her stunning beauty. Her face was as pale as snow, her lips full and red. And her eyes; pools of dusky violet framed by thick, dark lashes. Her eyes were the most striking thing I had ever seen. We were both silent for a split second, frozen as we studied each other mid-air. And then she winked and sped underneath me and the silence was broken. We were flying as one; twisting and sweeping around one another in an exhilarating dance to the music of that laugh of hers. And I found myself laughing along with her.

Eventually we both flew the ground. It was night now, and she approached me with a smile, her eyes bright and dancing. I felt myself grinning back at her, elated by the honest happiness reflected in her smile. To this day her smile still gets me, though they are few and far between.

"James Potter," she spoke, getting closer and closer.

Sometimes now, I wonder how she knew my name.

"That," she paused, her hand pressing against my chest, "was the most fun I have had in a long time.

And then she kissed me.


	2. control

After that, Arya quickly became one of my best friends. Sirius and Remus accepted her very quickly as one of us. She was always so fun, mischievous and up for anything. The kiss was never really mentioned again. I remember asking her about it the next day. She just laughed it off.

"God, James, I don't know? I just wanted to," she rolled her eyes at me and trounced off leaving behind nothing but the entrancing aroma of wildflowers.

So I decided to forget about Arya. I think some part of me knew she would never love me anyway. I put all my energy into my relationship with Lily, and it worked. I began to like her a lot, she was so sweet and pretty. The first time she told me she loved me I was shocked. I guess I had just been too used to her hating my guts. Then again, it is said that there is a fine line between love and hate.

"James?" She nudged me, her green eyes inquisitive and reflecting the crackling fire that we were seated before in the common room. "I think I might love you."

I found myself repeating the phrase back to her, and was soon enveloped in a warm, soft hug that smelt of her and I forgot that I had said anything at all. I think after that, I tried to convince myself it was true. Because I do love Lily, but it isn't the same. In the back of my mind there will always be Arya.

They were so different, and they hated each other right from the get go. Arya was too wild, too passionate for Lily, who had always been so sensible and proper, all books and study. While Arya was sexy and mysterious, Lily was sweet and endearing. They were both undeniably clever, but Lily excelled at grasping concepts while Arya did brilliantly in practical work. And when I thought of Arya, the way she turned heads with her smile and could charm the pants off anyone; well I couldn't help but see that she had me by the heart and she didn't even know it.

But time moved too fast for me, and before I knew it Lily and I were together in every sense of the word. I knew she loved me, and I knew that in a weird, twisted way I loved her back. But not fully, because ever since that day on the brooms, when I first laid eyes on Arya, I loved her. I knew Arya would never see me that way. Everything in life was just a joke to her. She never loved, I don't think she had the capacity. She valued people only for what they could give her, only ever cared about herself. I remember the first time we ever fought, how I realized how much I had romanticised her. Because she had slept with Sirius and he had fallen for her and she had brushed him off like dirt. So I halted her in the corridor while she was on her way to herbology and pulled her into an empty classroom.

"You can't go around doing that to people Arya! Who do you think you are? Sirius is your friend, why would you want to hurt him like that? Why would you sleep with him if he meant nothing to you?" I had cried, hurt and angry.

Arya's face darkened and her eyes narrowed, and for a split second I was scared of what she might do.

"Do not presume to tell me what I can and cannot do," she had spoken, her voice deadly quiet. "I will always do exactly what I choose to, and you will never come between me and my freedom to make my own decisions."

She had turned from me then, and swept from the classroom and I was suddenly reminded of the last time she had left me, after I had confronted her about our kiss. Nothing but the sweet scent of her lingering in the air.

Years later, it came out that Arya had grown up as a pureblood, and her father had raped and abused her all her life. Eventually, she ran away and lived in an orphanage for some years before getting a job and paying her own tuition at Beauxbatons. She was expelled in her fourth year after it was revealed that she and one of her Professors were engaged in what was a very obviously illegal affair. One day, a few years back, she told me that she wouldn't stand for anyone attempting to prevent her from doing what she wanted. It reminded her too much of her days as a scared child with a father who controlled every aspect of her life.

I often think about what a tragedy Arya really is. She could have been great, but her father's actions set her apart, making her selfish with a live fast die young attitude. And despite it all, I really believe that I will always love her, that wild girl with the sad, sad past and the laughing, violet eyes.


	3. unrequited

Lily POV

I always knew James wasn't entirely mine. It was always her, it was always Arya. He thought I didn't notice the long, lingering stares when we were back at Hogwart's. The way his eyes lit up every time she called his name. Maybe he didn't love me like he loved her, but what did it matter? He was _my _boyfriend, and then he was _my _fiancé and now he was _my _husband. I used to be scared that one day Arya would decide she wanted him. That one day, her fickle interest would develop into something more and she would swoop in and steal James from me. I realized pretty quickly that Arya wasn't like that. Arya didn't love James, but she loved the power she had over him. She played with his feelings, gave him hope with a few kind words and then laughed it off.

"Oh James, you didn't think I meant it in _that _way, did you? I was just teasing; you know I would never try to come between you and Lily; ah you have it all wrong!" She would cry, a false mask of apology adorning her beautiful features.

And then James would come to me.

"You heard what she said, Lils! She flirted with me! I only asked her about it so I could make sure she realized I was already taken," he assured me.

Lies. All lies. Every time she flirted with him he would call her on it, checking to see if maybe there was a slight chance that she had developed feelings for him. And then he would try and pass it off as him telling her he found it inappropriate. But I never called him on it.

"Oh yes of course James, I can't believe I doubted you," I would respond.

More lies. I doubted him every time.

I remember when he asked me to marry him. It was right after Sirius and Arya had announced that they were dating, and I had been ashamed to find that it relieved me that she was taken. I found comfort in the fact that now that Arya was with his best friend, James was less likely to stray. And yet, I was simultaneously unsettled, and a niggling in the back of my mind told me that James only asked for my hand in order to spite Arya.

But I pulled down the blinds on it all, and for a few sweet years of marriage, I actually believed the lies I had been telling myself. I made myself believe that James loved me, and only me. He used to look at me and trail his warm hand softly across my cheek. His eyes were filled with something. It wasn't the same as how he looked at Arya, but it was still love. And I revelled in it.

And then Harry came, and I knew that I never had to worry about Arya again. The second James locked eyes on him, he was a goner. He loved Harry a million times more than he had ever loved me. And Harry would keep him with me. Because James was willing to do for Harry what he never did for me; he was willing to give up on Arya for good.

Since Harry was born, James hasn't invited her over to the little cottage that we are trapped in. He only ever sees Sirius when he knows that Arya is busy, and that Sirius won't be able to bring her with him. He doesn't mention her, not ever. The only trace I ever see of Arya is on days like today. Dark days, when the air is filled with tension and The Dark Lord seems more real than ever. Days like these, James disappears into the garage to secretly drink fire whiskey. And I know he thinks of her there, in the dark. And somehow, I can still bring myself to pull down the blinds on it.

I lift Harry out of his crib, and hug him to my chest. We all need something to hold onto in times like this.


	4. memories

**SIRIUS POV**

I'm trying to concentrate. This is James' moment, for Merlin's sake and all I can do is think about her. She is like a drug. Pervading my senses, clogging my brain. I see little Harry and I'm trying to do the right thing here and coo over him like I should but it's so, so hard right now.

All I can think is that James will never realize how lucky he is. Lily looks at him with all the love in the world and now they have this tiny, perfect little newborn and as hard as things are right now I can tell they'll get through it. _Because James will always get it better than me_. James gets the loving wife and the baby and the free pass to hide under the Fidelus charm while the rest of us are fighting for our lives.

As much as I try to stop myself from being bitter with him for his good fortune I just can't. Because there's Arya. And I think she might love him.

_Arya. Arya. Arya.  
_  
There it is again. I give in, smiling falsely at Lily and James, nodding mindlessly as they chatter on about their new baby. I let my mind slip back to all those years ago when I first saw Arya Stone.

"Sirius for Merlin's sake, get up! This is my last warning, if you miss breakfast then it's your own fault. No skin off my nose if you have to go hungry on our first day back. I'm going down to the great hall now. I suggest you take my advice lest you wind up missing your first lesson of seventh year!" Remus cried, throwing his hands up in exasperation as he left the dormitory.

I grinned at his retreating back, stretching lazily and jumping out of bed. He was probably right, it was first day back and it wouldn't do to ruin it by missing the most important meal of the day.

Fifteen minutes later I was pulling on my robes and, shaking the last drops of moisture from the shower out of my hair, I sprinted through the common room to catch the last ten minutes of breakfast.

Throwing myself around the bend and beginning the final five meter dash to the entrance hall I collided violently into someone.

"Shit, I'm so sorry!" I cried, instinctively catching the person moments before they connected with the floor.

And then I looked down.

Black hair. Pale skin. Full, red lips. And those _eyes_. I was suddenly very aware of my arms, locked around a slim waist, just skimming the tops of her full hips. Holy shit.

I cringed, waiting for, at the very least a withering glare and the most an expletive spattered rant about my carelessness. But it never came. Instead, a full blown smile broke out across her face, and her eyes sparkled with mirth.

"I'll have to continue to not look where I'm going. Maybe I'll run into another handsome stranger," she murmured, righting herself.

And, like a supreme dickhead, I just stared at her, open mouthed.

"Not a talker, eh? Maybe you have other talents…I hope to see you around, Black," She winked at me, walking away.

She knew my name. And was she implying what I thought she was?

"Wait!" I called after her, just as she was about to round the corner.

She paused, looking back at me, one eyebrow raised.

"I've never seen you before. What's your name? And what year are you in?" I began walking towards her.

"I took the trouble to learn your name, Sirius," she paused, smiling slightly. "Perhaps, when we next meet you will know mine. And when you do learn it…Well, there has to be an incentive."

"What do you mean 'incentive'?" I asked, but she rounded the corner and by the time I got there she was already gone.


	5. acceptance

**SIRIUS POV**

I snapped back to reality as Lily placed a cup of coffee I didn't even remember asking for on the table before me.

"Padfoot, are you okay?" Asked James, looking concerned. "You seem a bit…distracted."

"Fine, not to worry. Just thinking about, well, Arya. She stayed home, it was a bit odd. Said she had stuff to do, and I know she and you aren't the best of friends, Lils, but I mean it's your first child! I couldn't understand why she wouldn't want to meet him," I said, puzzled.

Lily stiffened, and James became suddenly engrossed in little Harry's left foot. And then it dawned on me what this was about. Lily had finally put the foot down, or maybe it was the arrival of Harry. But James was clearly no longer seeing Arya.

There was an uncomfortable silence for a moment.

"I need to feed Harry," Lily said, awkwardly leaving the room and scooping up the baby from James' arms as she left.

"I need to use the bathroom," James muttered, leaving the room.

I merely sat quiet. Arya loved him. I think I always knew that. Something in her eyes when she looked at him, a spark that lit her up from within and set her violet orbs aglow. I had always pushed it to the back of my mind. But I had never entertained the possibility that James might love her back.

And then my memories transported me again, back to Hogwarts. To the first time I had ever slept with Arya.

"She left before I woke up," I muttered, violently kicking a clump of dirt at the stone wall.

"Oh. Did she…Have you spoken to her?" James asked.

He trudged along beside me as we followed the familiar trail through the grounds, along the western wall of Hogwarts.

"Yeah. This morning. I just assumed that after last night, she would want to...well pursue it, you know? I just thought we'd be…more than friends. It really meant something to me but she…she just brushed it off. Told me it was just a bit of fun. Walked off," I was gutted now, speaking quietly so my voice didn't waver.

James looked furious.

"So you guys…I mean I assumed you just kissed and fell asleep or whatever. You actually…?"

"Yeah," I responded glumly. "Yeah, we did."

"I need too…I have to go," James muttered, hurrying away.

I barely registered that he had left, too wrapped up in my own thoughts. Now though, now it seemed obvious to me. James loved her back, and I had been too stupid to notice.

Strangely, I didn't even feel mad at the revelation. I knew she didn't love me. But it had always been worth it to me. I got to be with her, and sometimes I could pretend. When she told me she loved me I would close my eyes and revel in her soft voice. It was too hard to see her sad, emotionless eyes as she lied.

Moments later, James returned to the room, sitting on the couch next to me. He handed me a glass of firewhiskey and I gladly accepted.

"You love her. Don't you?" I asked him, looking straight ahead.

"Yes," he responded quietly, taking a long drink.

"It hurts, hey?" I turned to him, looking him in the eye now.

"Worse than anything."


	6. love

**ARYA POV**

Sometimes I wonder when I'm going I die. Like exactly - the minutes. The hours. The seconds. The moments. I guess that's all life is. A collection of moments. And you don't get to control when it ends, when the moments stop and all you have left is whatever comes next. All you can do is make your life a collection of the best moments you possibly can. That is the one thing you can control.

Life feels so much more real now that death is around the corner for us. And I love it. Don't get me wrong - I hate Voldemort and the death eaters with all my being. But something about now, this feeling of darkness, just gives such a heightened sense of reality. It's horrible and heartbreaking and sad. But at least it's real. And it's always when things get real, when it feels like the end is near, that I think about my life. About my moments.

I have always known that James Potter loved me. I don't know what I feel for him. Despite what people might think of me, throughout my life I have maintained a strict no cheating policy. I broke it all for James, and I don't know if that's love but it's something at least.

He begged me to leave Sirius. I think it was out of pride that I refused. I can't relinquish control over my moments, over my life.

"I would never dream of asking you to leave Lily! This is the last straw James really if you ask me again then this, well whatever this is, is over!" I had yelled at him.

He backed off, never mentioned it again. And I stayed with Sirius for a while. But I never loved. I hope I never do. Love breaks people, ruins them. Look at Lily! In love with a man who loves someone else. James and Sirius in love with me. I don't love. With love comes loss. You loose yourself, you loose your control and then you loose them.

I wonder now if I made a mistake. I know what it feels like to be wanted, desired. To be loved. I guess I always thought I had a choice. That I could love James back if I decided that was what I wanted. But then there was Harry.

"Arya I can't - you know I can't do this anymore. It's wrong. Lily and Harry need me," James was crying.

But not me. Not a single tear.

"Do you love her?" I had asked, suddenly.

James nodded quietly, looking away.

"Do you love her as much as you love me?" I questioned again.

James met my eyes then, his own were so weary, so sad.

"I loved you the moment I saw you, and I will love you to my last. You know the answer to that, Arya," he choked.

It all came back to moments.

"Do you...Do you love me?" James was hesitant.

Panic set in. A flash of my father. Cruel laughter rang in my ears. A slamming door, a key turning in a lock. Flash.

"No."

Ice cold. And I left before I broke down.

I think about how it is better to be without love then without control as slip my hand into Sirius' and offer him a smile.

"I love you," he murmurs in my ear.

I think of James.

"I love you too."

When Sirius visits James and Lily and the new baby that night, and death eaters storm my little cottage, my last moment is spent thinking that my moments were wasted.

A life without love, is no life at all.


End file.
